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My Journey Through Postpartum Depression and Anxiety - Last Post




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Even though I started treatment, I continued to hate being a mom, some days more than others. I continued to hate Tim for getting to have a normal routine. He got to go to work everyday at the same time. He got to go to the gym. He became a father and nothing changed. For me as a mom, everything changed. When I went back to work I now had to get both of us ready. I had such bad anxiety I would have to shower before B woke up because if he was up I was afraid to put him in the bathroom with me. If he was up before I got showered I didn't shower. Same with eating. If he was up, I couldn't eat. I couldn't leave the room just to eat. For Tim all of that was no problem. He showered, he ate, he exercised, etc. I lost myself. I lost my sense of worth. I lost Hayley and was just mom.

This is where the mom guilt came in. I felt like I wasn't supposed to be Hayley anymore. I was now a mom, get over it and take care of your baby. I felt I didn't matter anymore. The only thing I was to do was be a mom. And I hated it! I remember writing in my journal, "Being a mom f'ing sucks".

In the movie A Christmas Story, Ralphie says " my mom hasn't eaten a hot meal in years". I can relate. I would let everyone eat first while I had the baby. No one would say hey why don't you eat first. I still do it, but sometimes I do get a break and I do get to eat first. Sometimes I just eat with a baby in my arms, a toddler on my lap, or standing up in the kitchen. 

I've since gotten through the mom guilt. I've made time to do the things I loved to do before becoming a mom. I've come to learn that to be a good mom I have to give myself some me time. It's okay to go get a pedicure. It's okay to take some time and read a book. It's okay to go to the gym and exercise. You can't take care of others if you can't take care of yourself. You can't put on others oxygen masks if you can't put yours on first. And if you can't put on yours, ask for help.
It took me a long time to ask for help. 



It also took me a long time to take B out in public to stores or restaurants. I was so afraid of being judged if he started to cry.

I come from a "I have to be perfect" mindset and people pleaser way of living. This didn't help with the anxiety. I've learned to cope with it now and still back slide into it on occasions but I now can recognize it and take myself out of it. And what's really great is Tim can recognize it and help me through it as well.

I've seen other mothers with their kids ready to have a meltdown and I will try to help. Whether it's saying to them I've been there or if a kid has wanted a toy and the mom says no, I've gotten down on their level and asked them what they love about the toy. This gives the mom a breather and a chance to collect herself and the kiddo from melting down.

I was in church recently and a two twins who sit in front of my family were getting antsy so I gave them a few of the toys from my diaper bag. It calmed them and the parents down. When we see situations like this we moms need to help each other out, not judge them. Side note: I don't take my kids to church unless my parents are there. I need the help and I'm the first one to admitt that. 

We as a society need to end the stigma of moms need to be bad asses and do it all themselves.

I end my week of posts with just a few statistics and advice.

What helped me start to recover was talking about postpartum depression and anxiety. The more I talked about it, the more I learned about other moms who had it.

1 in 5 women will suffer with from a Perinatal Mood & Anxiety Disorder like Postpartum Depression and Anxiety.

This is the #1 complication of pregnancy and childbirth.

Less than 15% of women receive treatment


We need to continue to build awareness, ask for help, and offer help. They say it takes a village and it sure does. My village is much bigger today than it was 5 years ago. And I continue to add to it. Ask for help. You are not failing as a mom. You are doing what is best for you and your family. You are amazing!


I want to thank you for reading my story this week. Even though I struggled with B, it didn't stop me from having more kids. And I struggled with them too. I started to ask for help. I started to communicate my needs to my family. I still have good days and bad days. But I'm not going through the bad days alone. I'm not on this journey alone. 



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  1. MommaHOctober 18, 2021 at 9:48 AM

    Hayley, You are loved more than you know. We love the mom you are, but more importantly, the person you are. I hope other moms garner insight and strength and validation from you that it's ok to not be perfect. That it's ok to ask for help and that they are not alone. Warriors don't have neat houses, perfect dinners, or perfect kids. What they do have is the courage to speak out, to ask for help, and the tenacity to plow through life's challenges. You are one of the most special members of our tribe and we are so proud of who you are. xoxoxo

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