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My Journey Through Postpartum Depression and Anxiety - Part 3


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Tim had a great idea of journaling when I wasn't feeling good - it was really therapeutic. I was able to get out my emotions that way because I felt I couldn't talk to my family about it. Actually, my family didn't really know and those who did - didn't understand. I'd like to share my first entry which was from before I even saw a doctor.


Well, it's been 3 weeks since B was born. I'm still not over the delivery. It was the most traumatic thing I ever went through. Everyone asks how I feel and I've been saying I'm doing alright still recovering. I'm almost recovered physically, I'm not taking any more ibuprofen. But to be truly honest with myself...I'm not doing alright. I can't stop thinking about how I felt during delivery. I remember saying I think I'm dying. I had oxygen toward the end. I've never gone through anything like that before and I never want to again. I'm really happy that Tim and I have B, but it is certainly a different experience than I imagined. I really thought I would have more help taking care of B while I was recovering. I'm tired and emotional all the time. I get that Tim has to work but I thought he would be willing to use his sick days to give me a break. I know that a baby is 24/7 care but I guess I thought Tim and I would take turns through the night. I got smart and started sleeping in the evening so I can be up in the middle of the night. But it isn't enough when you are playing catch up. And it isn't the diaper changes or the 2am feeding that are my issues. It is the screaming that hurts me. The screaming for the bottle, the screaming for a reason I still haven't figured out. A baby isn't a figure out in 2 weeks and go to work. Tim has no idea what it feels like to be taking care of B for more than 4 hours at a time. Sure he has the weekends, but he isn't by himself. It is much harder on your own! Plus my hormones are out of wack. I cry all the time. A lot more than I let on at this point. I feel all alone in this process. I am overwhelmed by all the different noises he makes that I don't understand. I'm exhausted because I am sacrificing my sleep. I'm mad Tim isn't here. I'm terrified I'm going to screw something up. I'm sad Tim isn't here experiencing this with me. I just wish I had an extra pair of hands while I am adjusting. My mom said she didn't have my dad when caring for me and my brother. But she is a stronger person than I am. Every time B screams I cry.
What I really need to write about is what from the delivery is sticking with me so much. And it is the feeling I thought I was dying. So much was happening and I thought I was going to lose everything. I was about to give birth to my first baby and I was afraid I would never see it. I was afraid I would lose Tim and leave him to raise his child by himself. My family was there anxiously awaiting the news of a baby boy or girl and I was afraid they would have to tell the rest of the family I didn't make it. The minute they put me on the oxygen is when all these things came to me. And for some reason, every time B screams it takes me back to that moment - when I can't soothe him it takes me to that place where I'm not in control anymore.
What I wish is that I can talk to someone who felt the exact way and learn a way to cope with this. I wish that I can learn how to soothe B at night. I wish that Tim would understand that I'm not crying just because - there really is a reason.
I want this fear to go away and I want to be confident in myself to feel I can take care of B without Tim in case something were to happen to him. I now fear death like never before. I want B and Tim to be safe always and be protected. I believe my family is up in heaven doing the best they can to give me the strength I need. Every day is getting a little better and I do believe over time I will feel better both physically and mentally.


Okay so at this point, you've heard about my delivery, the first 3 weeks of post-delivery, and now let's fast forward to 6 weeks postpartum. I was getting ready to go back to work and there was no way I was ready mentally or physically. I finally had the courage to call my OB's office and tell them I wasn't feeling right. I quickly got an appointment with a doctor at the hospital Psychology Department within Allegheny Health Department and the Women’s Behavioral Health Department at West Penn. I started to see them regularly and within the first um I don't know 5 minutes I was diagnosed with Postpartum Depression. They signed some paperwork to extend my maternity leave another 6 weeks due to medical reasons and I started medication and therapy treatment right away. It took quite a while to start to feel normal, but eventually, it did. It took a lot of therapy and talking with friends and family to start my road to recovery. 

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